Two ceramic bowls on an oak island, with an arch opening onto olive trees and coastal hills

Couples Therapy

When You Keep Having the Same Fight

You promised yourselves you would not argue about this again. Then a plate lands in the sink, a voice tightens, and the familiar conversation starts. I help couples look at the pattern underneath the topic, without making either partner the problem.

At Home

It starts with the dishes

One of you sees a full sink and feels left alone with everything. The other hears criticism before there is time to explain. Soon you are debating who does more, while both of you feel unseen.

The details matter, including how responsibilities are shared. But another conversation may be happening underneath: Can I count on you? Do you notice my effort? Am I disappointing you again?

Underneath

The argument beneath the argument

Repeating an argument does not necessarily mean you do not care. Sometimes the ways you try to get heard make it harder for your partner to listen. A sharper question brings a defensive answer, followed by another sharper question.

I want to understand what happens just before that turn. We can slow down the moment when frustration arrives and look for the hurt, worry, or longing that has not found words yet. We can also notice what happens after the argument ends. The aftermath may show what remains unresolved.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Looking at the pattern with EFT

I use Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, to help us understand the emotional cycle between you. Together, we notice how each response affects the next, rather than building a case against either person.

I might help you put a different sentence to the feeling: “When I ask twice, I worry I am on my own.” We can explore how that lands, including what makes responding with openness difficult. There may be practical requests to clarify, too. Naming the emotional pattern does not replace talking about who washes up tonight.

In Session

Room to slow the conversation

Couples sessions are 60 minutes. I meet in person in Manhattan Beach or by secure video with couples in California, Arizona, and Missouri. We can discuss which option fits when you contact me.
You do not need to arrive with a polished explanation. A recent disagreement can give us somewhere concrete to begin. I will help us pause when the conversation starts moving faster than either of you can follow.

When to Reach Out

A different place to begin

If you are tired of rehearsing the same positions, you can reach out for a free consultation. We can talk about what brings you here and whether working together feels like a fit.

My practice is private pay, and superbills are available. Please give 48 hours’ notice for cancellations. You are welcome to bring practical questions alongside the relationship questions.

Questions