Two open oak doorways leading to an olive courtyard and a distant coastal headland

Couples Therapy

The Pursue and Withdraw Cycle

One of you wants to talk now. The other goes quiet, looks away, or asks to stop. The harder one reaches, the further the other seems to retreat. I help couples get curious about this sequence together.

At Home

When reaching meets shutting down

You ask another question because the silence feels unbearable. Your partner hears growing pressure and struggles to find any words that will not make things worse. Neither response brings the reassurance either of you wants.

From one side, the pause can feel like being abandoned in the middle of something important. From the other, continued questions can feel like there is no room to think or get a sentence right.

Underneath

A pattern, not a personality

Pursuing and withdrawing describe moves in an interaction, not fixed kinds of people. You might switch positions depending on the subject, or notice that the pattern changes when stress is higher.

I will not assume the person speaking more cares more, or that the quieter person has nothing to say. I want to hear what each of you feels, fears, and hopes your partner will understand. We can also consider how to communicate a need for a pause without leaving the other person guessing. The words matter, but so does understanding what makes a pause feel threatening or necessary for each of you.

Emotionally Focused Therapy

Naming the cycle together with EFT

Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT, helps us map the sequence as something happening between you. We notice the cue, the meaning each person makes of it, and the protective response that follows.

I may pause us at the moment a voice rises or words disappear. Together we can look for language that shares the fear underneath, while respecting that speaking or listening differently may feel unfamiliar at first. You do not have to agree on the name of the cycle immediately. We can name it in your words.

In Session

Slowing down without choosing sides

Our couples sessions last 60 minutes. I see couples in person in Manhattan Beach and offer secure video sessions for those in California, Arizona, and Missouri. We can talk through the available formats.
In the room, I pay attention to both partners having a chance to be heard. If you get caught in the sequence, we can name what is happening rather than keep arguing about whose reaction started it.

When to Reach Out

Bring the pattern, not a verdict

You can request a free consultation even if you describe the problem differently. I welcome questions about EFT and what working on this interaction could involve for each of you.

I am a private pay provider, and superbills are available. Cancellations require 48 hours’ notice. Please ask about any practical details you would like to understand before arranging a session.

Questions